When My Heart Cries (1)

There is a reason I cry...this time, because of adik. I love you as an adik... but you disappointed me. Despite all the pep talks, you're still the same you. I was hoping you'd change for good... but you disappoint me.

Why are you doing that to the girls who love you, adik? Why do you USE them to your advantage?Why can't u lift your butt, get out and get yourself a job? Why are you damn LAZY? Why are you indolent?

I love you so much adik... but I simply detest what you're doing to others. I detest your selfishness.

Sigh...

Live life to its fullest

Some people are just plain lucky, born as a silver spoon. Some people are just plain lucky, born with nothing but manage to live life lavishly, always manage to get help from all around him/ her. As for myself, when I have cash, I spend it on myself, my family members, my friends. When I'm drained out, I'll stick my butt on this loyal chair of mine and abstain myself from going out.

As for some I know, they're damn lucky bastards who get aided each time they need money. Aren't we supposed to work our ass out to earn money? But these people are damn lucky. There will always be someone at their rescue when they're in deep shit. Hehh...some lucky bastards.

Hey... it's okay... do not expect help from anyone. HELP yourself! You're in pain... so what? Walk through it... in time you'll find remedy to the pain. The pain will fade away. It will, trust me. Trust God. When you're in good fortune, live up to your own expectation. Live life to its fullest. Don't complaint too much. Allah will get crossed when you expect too much from and you don't give him anything in return.

Walk gracefully although your toes caught pebbles and bleed, keep walking... the pain will go away.

Craps ah apa aku tulis nih... but what the heck?

"Come back" to the chat room

Yes, is has been a while since I last chatted, it has been a while too I blogged. Loss of interest, loathe, self-exile...the cause of the long silence. I made a comeback, but I think it wasn't such a good idea. Perhaps I should remain missing-in-action till the thought of me fade away from everyone's thought. Being there opened up a new chapter but the story line is similar...hatred, vicious talks, bla bla bla. But somehow or rather I'm thankful for I found myself a new batch of friends...it's just that I'm seeing through how the friendships will last time around. I smiled, I cursed silently at those throwing atrocious words towards me...sigh...we can never please everyone we know and no matter how much we stay away from some, they're so attracted to splatter our lives with unwanted colors. I will remain silent for as long as I can withold myself. I'll just do that.

Orang yang GILA di Dunia Ini

Sesungguhnya dunia ini dipenuhi oleh orang2 yang gila. Terutama mereka yang dah biasa berchatting bertahun2... dan khususnya jantan2 yang dah senget otaknya. Aku ketika ini dikelilingi orang2 yang gila... baik perempuan baik lelaki.... bukan lelaki... JANTAN is probably a better term for them.

Apa lagi dugaan yang nak Kau berikan kepada hambaMu ini ya Allah? Bila aku akan dapat melepasi fasa ini?

Aku letih dan lemas dengan langau2 ni semua.

Happy Mother's Day

A day for every woman called mother.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom even though I didn't wish her. I tried to, but somehow those words failed to be uttered by me. Nevertheless I love you mak, you're the light of my life actually. I will always love you... and I know you love me too despite your ways of manifesting it towards me.

Because I failed to wish my own mom on this auspicious day, I reverted to wishing my friends who are mothers to somebody else. I don't really remember how many of them but I just composed a text and sent them to selected ones from my cell's list.

It's amazing when you send your thoughts and some of them responded and made you feel uplifted. I think I needed it... after all it wasn't a bad idea sending the text to the names stored in my cell... although some weren't that close to me.

Today I wish everyone dear to my heart, those I barely know, and to myself (eventhough I don't qualify as a mother just yet)

Mothers are like diamond...they deserve great attention from each of us.

What do I want from you?

You asked me the other day... What do you want from me, B?

I want you to be there for me...
I want you to give me special treatment
Just like how you used to
I want you to give me the attention I want
I want you not to hurt my feelings any more

I want things to be like it used to be
Although many things are limited
I want your love until I find someone else.

THAT is what I want from YOU!

You OWE me all those for all the pain you caused me.
... as I am still bleeding profusely.

King of Sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
and there inside our private war i died the night before
and all of these remnants
of joy and disaster
what am i supposed to do
i want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
but nothing would change nothing would change at all
it's just a day that brings
it all about
just another day
and nothing's any good

the dj's playing the
same song
i have so much to do
i have to carry on
i wonder if this grief will
ever let me go
i feel like
i am the king
of sorrow
the king of sorrow

i suppose i could just walk away
will i disappoint my future
if i stay
it's just a day that brings
it all about
just another day
and nothing's any good
the dj's playing the
same song
i have so much to do
i have to carry on
i wonder will this grief
ever be gone
will it ever go
i'm the king
of sorrow
the king of sorrow

i'm crying everyone's tears
i have already paid for all
my future sins
there's nothing anyone
can say to take this away
it's just another day
and nothing's any good

i'm the king
of sorrow
king of sorrow

present state of mind

Kelukaan Hati

Bicara demi bicara
Semuanya berbau kekecewaan dan kemarahan
Kelukaan yang menyelar dagingku
Mencengkam ke tulang

Aku belum sembuh dari luka ini
Ia masih berdarah lagi
Kapan bisa berhenti
Darah yang mengalir ini

Setiap kali luka berdenyut
Setiap itu jantung bagai diragut
Perasan yang amat terluka ini
Kapan akan sembuh

Tidakkah kau mengerti
Perasaanku ini
Yang amat terluka olehmu
Kau yang melukainya
Lantas kau biarkan ia mengubat sendiri
Kesakitan yang tidak upaya aku tanggung
Sakit ini kapan akan hilang
Kapan???

Masa yang hilang

Puas aku cuba untuk membuangnya dari ruang ingatanku ini... dari ruang hatiku ini... tapi yang tercipta hanyalah ruang rindu yang begitu luas, tak terupaya untuk aku mengisinya dengan benda-benda lain. Tak cukup-cukup inti untuk aku kambus ruang rindu itu. Aku lelah mencuba lalu aku pasrah...lebih ku cuba untuk membenci, lebih menusuk kepedihan di hati ini. Biarkanlah... kalau aku dah tak boleh paksa diri ini untuk membencinya maka biarlah dengan sendirinya nanti dia luput. Aku tak mampu menipu hati aku sendiri. Aku masih sayangkannya walau pun aku amat sedar dan akur bahawa aku tak mungkin dapat bersamanya.

Aku memaafkannya, tapi saki baki cinta, kasih dan sayang aku masih tertinggal. Tak mampu aku mengikisnya. Aku bingung...aku tidak mencintainya seperti dahulu tapi aku masih belum upaya melupakannya dan aku tak berdaya memaksa diri lagi.

Telah ku beritahu kepadanya apa yang terbuku dalam hati ini... sudah puas aku meluahkan perasaan kecewa, marah, pilu, sakit, terluka yang teramat sangat di hatiku ini kepadanya... dia berkali-kali mengucapkan rasa bersalahnya terhadapku...berkali-kali memohon kemaafan dariku... tapi aku masih tidak dapat melepaskannya dari ruang hati ini.

Bukan aku mahu kami kembali bersama... aku tahu itu tidak akan berlaku. sama sekali tidak, melainkan ianya adalah ketentuan Illahi. Tapi aku masih mahu dia berada di sisiku walau pun tidak seperti dahulu.

Aku bingung... salahkah aku berfikiran begini? Salahkah aku bertindak begini? Salahkah aku mahukan ini?

Aku tahu kau juga dalam keperitan, walau pun aku dengan mudah boleh melemparkan kata-kata "padan muka" kepadamu tapi aku tidak sejahat itu walau pun sesekali hati kecil ini membisikkan kata-kata itu. Aku tidak memaksudkannya... walau pun segala-galanya berpunca dari perbuatanmu sendiri, dan kau sendiri telah mengakuinya. Semuanya salahmu! Itu yang kau acapkali lontarkan dari mulutmu bila berbicara hal ini denganku.

Aku merindui waktu-waktu yang kita lalui bersama... amat terasa kehilangan saat-saat itu. Kekesalan tidak habis-habis singgah di fikiranku ini. Alangkah baiknya kalau waktu ini dapat diulangi dan takdir diperbetulkan... tapi siapa aku untuk merubah semua itu?

Aku hanya mampu berserah padaNya untuk menentukan tindakan aku seterusnya. Kau yang lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untukku dan untuk semua...

Fucked up!

Just at the time I was able to forgive him and decided to accept his offer to be best friends, something else cocked up. We went for a drink last nite after my gym time.... as we were chatting, his wife came charging. Her words were slicing and I felt humiliated. Sigh...

It was a mere "catching-up with each other" session... What did I do wrong?

A Painful Reminiscence

I attended a meeting at the homestay today. It used to be a short journey then... when each time I drive to my destination, he'd accompany me with short texts till I entered the no-coverage zone. It would be a mesmerizing moment driving home when each time I head out to the mobile coverage zone again, my cell phone would be reverberating with delayed texts from him... and I would be killing my boredom while driving by replying the texts. He'd be the first one I share with my positive thoughts of the outcome from each meeting I attended. I'd sometimes head straight to his office and bring him something to lunch on while I tell-tale on the meeting I attended. He'd listen although he hasn't much views to share with me on my things. I missed those moments....

Today, as I passed the road while driving, I craved for those moments again. I wish things were like it used to be when we were together... My heart wept as I drove home...


Sensitive meter in ON.

The New Me

It was painful... it was tearful... it was HELL. Yes, I was in HELL for some months. I've just found my way out of HELL and I want to be free as a bird and can do as I wish. YES, I'm on my way out. My crumbling heart is healing but scarring. The least I can be happy about is that the pain is diminishing and I am supposed to be able to move on with my life.

MOVE on, Sailor... sail your life in PEACE.


The Sailor.

A Surprise Visit

It was a Saturday. I suddenly felt like giving him a surprise visit. Parked my car next to his, in front of his office entrance. Adik called him, he didn't answer. I told her, sms him and tell him we're waiting for him downstairs or we climb up to meet him. He replied, saying he's not in the office. I knew my instinct was strong enough to know that he's there. On a milder tone, Adik sent him a text, saying that we knew he was there. After a while, he came down and sat next to me in the car. We talked peacefully. I didn't want to create a scene. I wanted to find out if I could face him without rage and grudge. We talked through the one hour docilely. I told him that I'm accepting his offer to be my best friend... and I hoped that he was sincere and honest. I told him to be the best of friend to me. It was rather a short meet. We shook hands, I couldn't find myself kissing his hand as I used to. I asked for a kiss but the kiss I meant was a peck on the lips, and that was what I gave him. He was probably expecting a mouthful kiss...I couldn't give one no more. I don't know if that was gonna be my last meet with him...

I wasn't sure of what I did on that Saturday... out of impulse I set up that meet. I must be out of my mind... but it's always me, one who acts upon impulse. But I meant well. Honestly I did.


Perplexed me.

Best Friends???

On March 5th, I received this on my YM from him:

"morning
i hope u getting well n better...
just wanna say how sory i am...
but wat was happen is for ur own good in life
i have to make ur hate me
as i told u its not bcoz other person termasuk nadira
all happen its bcoz of me only..
hope u understand
i hope we can become as best fren"

Disregard the grammar mistakes...Now let me ask you (as if you're standing right in front of me, heh!!) you've hurt me to the core and you expect us to be BEST FRIENDS? Who do you think you are to me right now? Pretending as if nothing had ever happened between us and wanting us to just carry on being the best of friends? You impounded my heart for a year and ditch it in the trash bin as if I am something you could just keep and discard as and when you like.

What you did unto me, I shall never forget till the last breath of my being... to forgive? Maybe, one day when I'm fully healed from this pain or when I've finally managed to thwart the thought of you in my head.

It is best for both of us to go our separate ways... how could I ever be your best friend when you've betrayed me, breached my trust and faith in you? How could I ever carry on pretending as if you had done nothing wrong? How could I walk straight and not feel the pain when i've bumped into the streetlight?

How could I talk, eat, sit, laugh with you when I'm actually crying with pain inside? How could I pretend?

I can't... I just can't... I'm sorry, your request is one I can't fulfill. Not at this very moment. Probably NOT EVER. I can't give the answer you want.

Enough is Enough

I've had enough of endlessly trying to dedicate myself to the ones I love and ensure that I do not hurt their feelings. I am going to be selfish this time. I will treat my own wound and will only learn not to hurt my own feelings. I vow to do so right now.

I do not want to be associated with anyone from my past ugly life experience.

Time to heal my own wound. Time to take care of my own feelings. Time to stand up for myself. Time to move forward without looking back at what had devastated me.

A Note for You

We go a long way... 2002. I can vividly remember how it started, how we called it off for a couple of years and how we reconciled. Damn it, you've taught me happiness, you've hurt me and tormented my emotions, you've "school'd" me, you've showered me with joy, you've bucketed me in sorrow, you've done just about everything to me and made me cried tears of pain and happiness through all the years. I've loved you much, I've hated you much, I've tried hating you but I can't lie to myself... I've always loved you. ALWAYS... no matter how far we've come apart now, how intimate we had became once. Despite all the pain you put me through, YOU are the one I love most. You are the only one I have come to accept that should "jodoh" not be there for us, we will still be friends...we will still share the ups and downs went through together.

I missed you so much Jen... I really do. You are still the one I love ALWAYS.

I'm hurt again by another man, Jen... but it's still you I am missing right now. It's still you I want now...

That Last Kiss...

31st December 2007 - The last day we ever kissed with immense feelings for each other... at least mine was filled with so much love for you. Yours was probably a fake to please me with which you hurt me deep and will never be forgotten and forgiven. The kiss in which are buried all your pretense, lies, deceptions... and meaningless kiss for you. THAT KISS... definitely the last one for us.

Shattered into pieces.

Apa itu cinta?

Apa benar cinta itu buta? Aku rasa mungkin iya. Aku jadi buta kerana cinta. Aku fikir cinta aku itu cinta yang sejati hingga ke akhir hayat setelah berkali2 gagal di pertengahan jalan. Aku fikir dengan cinta yang kuberi hidup lebih bermakna. Aku fikir dengan cinta yang kuberi aku dapat membahagiakan orang yang aku cintai dan diriku sendiri. Tapi semuanya tidak seperti yang aku sangka. Cinta itu menyakitkan aku. Cinta itu satu penipuan. Cinta itu menghancurkan sekujur tubuh ini. Aku seratus peratus memenuhi ruang hati ini dengan cinta yang aku ada...tapi cinta itu tidak dihargai... Cinta aku itu dipersia2kan... Ke mana hilangnya nilai cinta yang aku dedikasikan hanya untuk mu?

Apa erti cinta yang selama ini aku percaya amat murni dan indah bila dilalui bersama orang yang tercinta tapi jelas sekali amat melukakan aku di waktu ini?

Dapatkah aku percaya lagi pada kesucian cinta? Dapatkah lagi aku menerima cinta dari insan lain?

Pernah aku dipesan oleh mak aku sendiri... cintai diri sendiri sebelum mencintai orang lain. Aku rasa aku perlu belajar mencintai diri aku sendiri. Aku perlu mencintai diriku sendiri... Aku perlu letak Allah sebagai cintaku yang utama.

I need to redefine my definition of LOVE.

Sakit Kepala

Hari ni kepala aku sakit. SANGAT SAKIT. Aku paling benci kalau aku diasak dengan soalan2 yang aku tak boleh jawab. Lagi2 kalau aku ditanya oleh ayah aku sendiri. Aku tak boleh beritahu dia masalah sebenar aku. Aku berdolak dalik mengatakan itu ini adalah masalah aku. Yang lebih menyakitkan adalah bila aku nak beritahu yang sebenarnya tetapi aku tak boleh bercerita...TIDAK BOLEH. Ia adalah sangat2 menyakitkan.

Kepala aku sakit, jiwa aku sakit, satu badan aku sakit, segala-segalanya sakit.

SAKIT.

My two sisters

Along the years of chatting, I found myself TWO sisters who are always there through my thicks and thins. Za & Jue... Thank you for being there for me when I was in the deepest pain ever. Thank you for being there too thru all the sweet moments.

Personal note to Zaza: Pls know that akak will always treasure and appreciate our sisterhood... you had been there most of the time. I truly can't imagine my days without you when you finally graduate and will leave Kuala Lumpur. Until that day comes, I refuse to think of the moment.

Personal note to Jue: I hope you will come to understand me completely in the days to come. I will always love you.

Note to both of you: Akak will always love both of you, come what may...

A blessing in disguise

It's his 36th birthday, and I'm not well wishing him. I have had enough of his antiques... his LIES especially. I've put up ENOUGH. I pray that you realize what you had done all these while... and repent. You're the biggest mistake in my life...but it's a blessing in disguise. Thank you Allah!

Crossed on the day of your 36th year of birth.

In Pain...

For the umpteenth time... I am hurt. By the one I love most. My heart's shattered in pieces and I'm pulling myself out from the doldrum. Ya Allah... please give me the strength to live through this pain, to find a new beginning to this life I'm living, to start afresh and to HEAL from this pain. Please have mercy on me.... Please forgive me for all my wrongdoings... for I'm humbly your slave who is never perfect. Please give me strength, patience and perseverance. I thank you Allah for everything...

The Birth of A New Member

8th January 2008... the birth of a baby boy at Putrajaya Hospital. I burst with happiness for the one I love, as I believe this is definitely the happiest day in his life. Earlier yesterday morning I had a hunch that his wife would probably gave birth yesterday morning, but I guess the hunch wasn't exactly right.

Deep inside I still felt that this would be the day. Half-heartedly I asked him out for a drink with some friends...half-hearted because I hunched something was about to happen. Nevertheless, we went out for the drink. Not too long after that, he received THE call. It's about time. We left the shop and headed home. I don't really know how he felt at time but I tried to put myself in his shoes in that moment of truth. I offered my help in any kind if he needed it. Message was digested well, we parted and kept in touch via sms.

The sms marathon was slow but consistent enough till he went for his late dinner. I called and chatted with him while he was having his dinner...kept him company till he returned to the hospital. The conversation ended there. I couldn't sleep just yet, I started on the letter I promised him and asked him for details in my sms. He replied my sms with a surprise... the little one was born! Alhamdulillah... my deepest congratulations to you my dear one... I treat the newborn as the latest loved one. May the birth of the little one bring us rezeki... Insya'Allah... isn't Allah GREAT?

I smiled endlessly tonite, I hope my presence during the moments make a meaning in your life, mine and ours. I love you so much...

Dawning of the new year

I am looking forward to the dawning of 2008. 2007 is a year I would like to stack far far away from my thoughts. I hope this year will bring me more luck, fortune, happiness. I pray to Allah that everything will go well for me and my loved ones this year.