reaching the new year

I'm in depression again...why? i really don't know. Sigh...! Mungkin masalah2 yang melanda ni membuatkan kepala otak aku serabut kembali. Allah, berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk mengharungi setiap satu dari dugaanMu.

-In Depression-

Program Anak Angkat UiTM Shah Alam

For the first time I organized such event. Did it alone. Thanks to mozart^ for bringing me to his kampung. That was where the event took place. I managed to make some ties, know some of the villagers, made some friends. It felt GREAT.

36 and still living

Syukur Alhamdulillah...36 and still breathing. As usual, when it draws close to the day I'll turn emotional...a turbulence of emotions. Only Kuantan remembered to wish me before he went to sleep... the rest forgot `bout it. Sedihhh....

Aku Ingin

Hatiku tersentuh lagi...

Lagu ini sudah lama berkumandang di corong2 radio Malaysia, sudah pernah aku dengar dan rasai sentuhan lirik dan melodinya di kalbu ini, sudah semakin kurang diputar di saluran2 radio tapi kebelakangan ini sekali lagi ia ke udara dengan lebih kerap dan sentuhannya semakin terasa di hati ini dan terus berlegar2 di ingatanku dan memberi makna yang lebih mendalam...Ada kala menghiris emosiku yang berbaur ini.


Dealova - Once

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
oh bayangmu seakan-akan

kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku
yg memanggil rinduku padamu
seperti udara yg kuhela kau selalu ada

Hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang
tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang
dan sepi, dan sepi

Selalu ada, kau selalu ada
Selalu ada, kau selalu ada


Aku ingin...

Selalu ada bersamamu tapi tak bisa
Dapat disentuh olehmu tapi tak mungkin
Dimilikki dirimu tapi tak pasti
Hanya Dia lebih Mengetahui...


"Cinta itu tak mampu ku kuburkan,
Ia tetap memenuhi segenap ruang hati ini..."


The Night Sailor.

Musim Penyakit

Last Tuesday, bebudak semuanya sakit2... ada yang batuk, demam, selsema. Meleleh2 aku tengok hingus dorang... Ish ish ish...Keliling aku orang sakit2. Dari pagi ke petang. Ada yang aku pun kena selsema nih. Kat rumah, mak ngan ayah pun demam and selsema. Ya Allah... bagi ler kuat sket badan aku ni melawan penyakit.

Aku dah lama tak sakit nih... karang kalau kena, mau lama! Malam semalam dah mula perit2 hidung ni.... ari ni pun sama. Gi beli ubat kat farmasi tadi... harap2 ok la esok, sebab aku dah cancel kelas ari ni. Kalau esok pun kena cancel, parah aku.

Ni tengah mengular sambil check email. Bosan lak ari niiiii....

The bored Sailor.

Just Another Monday...

Time flies so fast, we hardly notice it goes by. I felt the 2 weeks walked past me so quickly. I was stagnant, the time breezed through my walkway. Sigh... The one month WC fever left an impact but didn't make a groove in my thoughts. I wanted SO much for France to win (since my favorite Brazillian team didn't make it), but they DID NOT! Ceh!!

I managed to get some things done on schedule today. Got my glasses frames fixed. I was kinda angry actually, I paid for the glasses for an unworthy value of workmanship. Taubat lillahhhh... mmg aku tak antar lagi laaaa buat cermin mata kat kedai tu. But for as long as I'm using those glasses which they crudely made for me, I will spook them with my presence and get 'em fixed should anything go wrong again. It has only been 2 weeks and the screws loosened up, and as for my Gucci frame, they tampered with the frame and the multi-coating for the lenses peeled off. In TWO weeks only? And it was only an in-house brand and they over-charged me. I felt CHEATED! I should've just ordered the lenses at the shop which I usually go to. Damn la... a pair of Hoya lense only cost RM350 these days and the shop charged me their in-house brand at RM300.

Geez... I forgot to lunch today. These hungry pangs are reverberating right now. Oh, how I long for the sup tulang at Brickfields. Yummy yummy. Nak ajak Beez gi makan kat sana lah...

Later sambung blogging.

An Outing With My Dear Kakak

It has been some time since I last met Kak Izan. She drove herself here...hehehe... finally, boleh pun dia drive sendiri ke mari. Tapi dari rumah aku ke destinasi, naik keta aku gak, aku gak yang drive. We went for a movie at GSC OU (my favorite window shopping spot). Tengok citer Scary Movies 4. Alahai... boleh tahan la tak bestnyaaaaa...tapi ticket dah beli, tonton je la.

Lunch was on her, movie tickets on her...Aduhai.. kalau keluar ngan akak aku sorang ni, dia manjakan aku lelebih lak. Tapi best gak, aku yang dah tua bangka ni dapat la buat seketika merasa cam budak2 sebab dimanjakan. Ahaksss... Well, how often do I get pampered kan? Selalunya aku yang pamper kawan2 yang aku anggap adik2 aku... kali ni kawan yang pangkat kakak pulak pamper aku. Yeahhh...! Best wooo...

Aku dragged Kak Izan ukur lantai One Utama tu dari new wing ke old wing balik ke new wing and back to old wing and finally last few steps at the new wing. Aku dah lama tak spend masa jalan2 seperti itu dengan kawan. Selalunya aku sorang. Okay gak tu, ada teman borak.

Catching up with each other's life encounters/ experiences... shared something of utmost secret with her and she understood. I think now she really understood.

Sometimes I feel that I haven't manifested my love towards her as a sister. I know she cares a lot for me. When her dad was still alive, he cared more about me than her but she never once showed a twinge of jealousy to me. She has always been a great sister to me.

Maafkan saya kalau akak rasa saya tak ambil berat and tak mengingati akak... tak mungkin itu berlaku... cuma masa dan pergolakan dalam diri ini yang menghalang saya dari berhubung dengan akak lebih kerap. Segala jasa baik, kasih sayang dari akak sekeluarga untuk saya takkan saya lupa hingga ke nafas terakhir. Ketahuilah kakak ku...

Andai ada perlakuan saya yang agak kasar terhadap akak atau kata-kata yang mengguris perasaan akak... maafkan saya.

Kalau ada masa nanti kita keluar lagi kak...saya akan bawa mak dan ayah mengunjungi akak dan makcik dalam masa terdekat ini. Insya'Allah....

Terima kasih untuk segala-gala yang telah akak lakukan untuk saya... untuk kasih sayang yang tidak pernah kurang nilainya dari dulu hingga kini, terima kasih atas pengorbanan akak.

Saya sayang Kak Izan...

Adikmu.

Omputih & Ketua Kampung

More about my cats... Left- Bino and on the right- Uteh. This is the only picture of Bino we had before he has kidnapped one afternoon....

Bino was the only cat we had with yellowish tone. Ala2 mat salleh la gitu... yang lain2 semua white/grey fur. yang sebelah si Bino tu Uteh... dia ni cam ketua kampung, kalau pagi2 lepas breakfast dia merayau ntah ke mana, tengahari baru balik, pastu kotor yang teramat, by petang lak dia bersih kembali.

My Favorite Male Cat

The whole family hated cats then. I hated cats when I was once scratched and wounded by a cat when I was a little girl. And everything changed since the arrival of NetNet. She was the first to book her place in the house. Ooopss... I'm supposed to talk about my favorite male cat, right? I'll feed you all with the stories of my cat in my later entries.

This is my favorite male cat. His name is Jose. This picture was taken when he was little. Probably about a couple of months' old.


And this, is when he had handsomely grown. A mature handsome male cat (castrated after one chance given to him though)

Well, he looks the same yeah, except for the size and his obvious 'male-ego'. Ahaksss!

He is my FAVORITE! He loves rasping at my feet, loves to be stroked (which cat doesn't like to be?), MANJA yang teramat amat.



There are10 cats in the household, in total. Well, the first cat (NetNet) was adopted by my 2nd brother and she finally became a responsibility of my mother after laziness swarmed over him. So are the rest of the generation... They became my 'siblings', mana taknya? Mak aku membahasakan diri dia 'mak' juga kat kucing2 tu. More to come in the next entry on the CATS.

On the day you turned 41

July 1st, 2006

It was his birthday. Even if I didn't write it in my organizer, it is something that has been implanted in my memory. I'll always remember the date. And this year, on this very day, he turned 41. A year past 40. Some say life begins at 40, some say once you reach 40, if you don't change, you'll never change. In my opinion, M hasn't changed. I worry for him actually, but I can't change him. I've got to make efforts to change myself for good, how could I change others? We can't help the one we love if he or she won't help him/herself.

Yes, I loved him. I did. Once. It was all a thing of the past. Each time he makes his way into my life the love that used to be there fades away. I'm not a stopover. And I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. The 3rd time he showed himself in the doorstep of my heart, he claimed that he still loved me. He needed me. He wanted me more that anyone else. What he did to me wasn't intentional. How could I ever believe his words when he kept tearing my heart apart everytime he went away silently? Now trying to win my heart again, thinking that everything would be just the same as it was before? When you broke one's heart, you can't unbreak the heart. You simply can't.... I remained hurt.

M... I loved you with all my heart but you broke my heart. You left me in agony... I waited for you patiently but somehow you didn't care. He was there for me, instead of you. He was there to lend me a shoulder to cry on. Was it my fault to fall for him, the one who cared for me when YOU were never there, you never showed me you cared for me...mere words aren't good enough, M. Words uttered without immense feeling are meaningless. Was it my fault to shift my inmost feeling to J? You left me with nothing to hold on to. I don't need promises as promises are meant to be broken. All I asked for was for you to manifest your love towards me in actions. Actions speak louder than words. You know what I mean. Little actions, not too troubling ones. You know I've never demanded the impossible from you and will never do so. Was I at fault? You know the answer. You know what you had done to this very sensitive feelings of mine.

You barged into my life as if you owned it. Were you being fair to me? You wanted us to rekindle our love and that's just not possible, M... I can't, for the love isn't there anymore. Remember what I told you when you came after me? Each time you asked me, "sayang I tak?" I said, "kita kawan...kalau jodoh kita kawin, kalau takde jodoh kita kawan" and it was totally my mistake responding with those words because my pure intention was to 'jaga hati' you. I hoped you understood, but somehow you took me word for word.

I'm too hurt...

I pray that one day you will come to your senses and realize that we're probably not meant to be in each other's company as lovers or as legally married. Although I know I shouldn't be saying that as if I knew what God has in place for us, but at least that is what I feel. And I think that is probably the best for both of us. "Just friends". I won't blame you if you can't accept that. Your actions towards me, your hurting words onto me showed you can't accept it. I've forgiven you for the pain you caused me.

I pray for your well being on this 41st year of your living breath. You marked a milestone in my life, and I will remember you as a friend. ONLY A FRIEND.

Otak Washing Machine

I can't sleep. Too much occupying my thoughts. Begitu banyak yang aku nak luahkan... tapi tak mampu sebab dah bertahun aku pendam segala2nya. Hati aku meronta2 nak share somethings dengan the people I love, but I simply can't...because some things are meant to be buried within ourselves and not shared with others. Kadang2 aku rasa nak jerit, but it's just not me nak menjerit2 ni. Kadang2 aku rasa nak nangis tapi kilang air mata aku ni dah kering kot? Atau tak nak bagi aku membazir air mata. Begitu banyak yang aku kandung dalam badan aku nih. BANYAK! Ada kala rasa macam nak give up jer ngan life, but then again, it's just not me nak give up, especially in life. Walau apa pun hidup perlu aku teruskan sehinggalah Penciptaku mahu degup jantung aku ini berhenti.

Mampukah aku teruskan hidup ini dengan segala macam dugaan yang didatangkan kepadaku? Hanya Dia yang tahu... kerana dia yang mencipta dan mewujudkan aku ini. Segalanya di luar pengetahuan aku, tapi kalau Dia yang memberi segala dugaan yang aku lalui ini, Dia tahu yang aku mampu melaluinya. Jadi, wahai aku, jangan la banyak bertanya. Laluilah apa sahaja yang mendatang.

Night Sailor.

Happy Birthday Ayah...

27 June 2006

I left off yesterday with a grumpy mood. Didn't stay up to watch the soccer games. I'd be freaking out with the lack of sleep and the kids would jolt towards my slump mood.

In the morning...

Had a good sleep, woke up fresh. Wished ayah a Happy 62nd Birthday and left for work.

Today will be the last day for Jia Wen and Jia Wei. I've started missing them, especially Jia Wen. If she were my own child, I'd be one happy mother, the happiest on earth!

Anyway, Ayah called me in the afternoon and told me to spare my evening for a family dinner and I confirmed. I guess it'll be Concorde KL again. I wonder if Bakhtiar will be joining us.

In the evening...

Well, as I thought, Concorde it is. I suggested Manhattan Fish Market but mak was not really in favor of the suggestion. That's just her actually, not inclined towards changes, towards new experiences, towards new things but that's just her. It is okay. I can live with that for as long as I think I can.

Bakhtiar made it in time to leave for KL (after much bising2 from mak-there's a story underlying). Today's dinner buffet was exotic, so everyone except adik went for it. Makan2, chit chat, 'bersandar kekenyangan' sebentar, and time to leave.

That is the normal birthday celebration/ get-together for ayah and mak and each of us will make it a point to make our presence.

Happy 62nd birthday Ayah... I love you very much. You had been my inspiration and my motivation to fight through this life and its difficult turns and stops. I will remember each lesson you taught me about life. No matter how much and how many times I wanted to give up, each time I think of you, my fighting spirit aflames. Thank you for everything you have done for me...thank you, thank you, thank you and million thank you's for other things even I couldn't even remember you had done for me. I will always love you.

Night Sailor

The Love of My Life

You...

I hate you but I miss you and I love you but I hate you and I long for you and
I miss every single thing about you

I love you when you manifest your love towards me
I love the way you soothe my sore mind
I love the way you smile at me
I love the way you touch me
I love the way you look into my eyes
I love the way you kiss me
I love the way you treat me when you show that you love me
I love almost everything about you

I hate you when you hurt me most
I hate you when you gave me that ignorance bliss
I hate it when you keep your distance away at the time I want to swim in the depth of your soul
I hate it when you want me to understand you but you won't let me
I hate you when you kept your silence
I hate you when you made me weep my sleepless nights


When you hurt me and I felt the pain to the core of my being,

I am damn ANGRY at you for hurting me
I am damn MAD at you for doing this to me
I loathe even the slightest thought of you
I hate even listening to your music
I detest the mention of your name on air


When I'm hurt by YOU and I'm in pain and I'm so lonely,

I miss your presence in the my emptiness of my heart
I dream of you in my disturbed sleepsI miss your warm embrace
I think of you when I'm resting
I think of you when I'm feeling the pain you caused
I think of you when I'm alone
I think of you in almost everything I do


My dear man,

Tell me what should I do...
Should I just bury you in time?
Should I be angry at you (shouldn't I be for the pain you caused?) ?
Should I, shouldn't I, could I, wouldn't I...?

I'm a perplexed woman...but bear this in mind, for I certainly can't deny and can't lie to myself...
that I LOVE YOU... Damn it, I DO... still do... still...and will ALWAYS do.

The Perplexed Me.

Why Can't I Write Again?

As I'm writing this, I'm watching one of my favorite movies, entitled 'Finding Forrester' starring Sean Connery. I could watch this movie for more than a dozen times. But there is a question in my head... if William Forrester, the character Connery acted as, was a real life character. I like the way 'William Forrester' wrote. His language use was brilliant. A part of what he said was when you want to write, you just start writing. First draft, you just a write with your heart...then you write with your head. Come to think about what he said, I don't know if that's really true. Maybe it is. When I looked back at my paperworks during the varsity days, I am surprised that I could actually WRITE! The flair was there... but unfortunately it's gone. I find great difficulty in writing nowadays. Why? Why can't I write no more? Why have I lost my touch?

Upset Me.

A short moment of happiness

23rd June, 2006

Atie and her entourage made their way to KL. Her brother is getting engaged. I went to fetch her at USJ to dine together. Gawsh, it was drizzling and traffic jam... I felt relieved that I drove adik's car instead of mine. An ease to my feet and to my emotion too.

As we reached Brickfields, I suddenly thought of him. I drove Atie and myself to his place first. Just wanted to see if he's around, because for the last few times I dropped by, he wasn't in and it was quite a frustration. Arrived at the foyer, I made my way upstairs, stopping by at the mail box to check if he's been there or not. The two letters I saw the day before weren't there... so he had probably been there. I paced up the stairs... and voila! It wasn't locked from outside.

I told him I have a friend waiting in the car... he asked me to call her to join us for a while. So I did. We chatted for about an hour and then Kulat came by. More chats and then I felt that it was time to go. I excused Atie and myself, he showed us to the door. As I walked a few steps ahead, the feeling of love for him swarmed over me. I walked back to the door... he was waiting for me actually... I kissed him on the cheek and finally left.

It was such a short moment...but a moment of total happiness, spiced up with pain.

Lagu rindu hatiku

Kala aku merindumu
Engkau tak tahu
Hati meruntun menginginimu
Hingga lenyap ditelan masa

Apa dalam hatiku
Hanya aku dan Dia yang tahu
Engkau mungkin tahu
Engkau mungkin tak tahu
Atau engkau buat tak tahu
Atau engkau tidak mahu tahu
Mungkin sengaja tidak ambil tahu

Bila engkau menyepi
Aku mendiamkan diri
Biarkan engkau dengan duniamu
Dengan kesibukanmu

Aku buat tidak tahu
Aku tidak mahu tahu
Aku rindu padamu
Itu yang aku tahu
Tetapi aku biarkan begitu
Kerana itu yang paling ku mampu

Engkau akan muncul juga nanti
Bila kau merinduiku
Sesungguhnya kau tahu
Aku cinta padamu
Aku rindu padamu
Dan tidak dapat kau dusta pada dirimu
Bahawa aku ada di dalam hatimu
Ada dalam mindamu
Walau tidak kau lafazkan
Walau tidak kau tunjukkan
Aku merasainya
Kau tahu...
Memang kau tahu...
Bahawa kau juga rasa begitu.

Aku biarkan saja
Kau ambil masamu
Ku lalui titian masa yang kau cipta
Kerana kita akan bertemu di titian itu.


Emosi ku di kala ini,

Nelayan Malam

First day first thought

Blogging would be interesting if it's purely private, but I guess 'online' doesn't include privacy in its meanings. However, I would dedicate this blog to the people I love... if they are unaware of the existence of my love towards them, perhaps reading this will make them realize.

There is so much love in my being that sometimes I just don't know how much I should contribute and how much in return I should receive. Nevertheless, when I say I love one, I mean my words.

Let me share the love I have in my core with everyone I know...