Aku Ingin

Hatiku tersentuh lagi...

Lagu ini sudah lama berkumandang di corong2 radio Malaysia, sudah pernah aku dengar dan rasai sentuhan lirik dan melodinya di kalbu ini, sudah semakin kurang diputar di saluran2 radio tapi kebelakangan ini sekali lagi ia ke udara dengan lebih kerap dan sentuhannya semakin terasa di hati ini dan terus berlegar2 di ingatanku dan memberi makna yang lebih mendalam...Ada kala menghiris emosiku yang berbaur ini.


Dealova - Once

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
oh bayangmu seakan-akan

kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku
yg memanggil rinduku padamu
seperti udara yg kuhela kau selalu ada

Hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang
tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang
dan sepi, dan sepi

Selalu ada, kau selalu ada
Selalu ada, kau selalu ada


Aku ingin...

Selalu ada bersamamu tapi tak bisa
Dapat disentuh olehmu tapi tak mungkin
Dimilikki dirimu tapi tak pasti
Hanya Dia lebih Mengetahui...


"Cinta itu tak mampu ku kuburkan,
Ia tetap memenuhi segenap ruang hati ini..."


The Night Sailor.

Musim Penyakit

Last Tuesday, bebudak semuanya sakit2... ada yang batuk, demam, selsema. Meleleh2 aku tengok hingus dorang... Ish ish ish...Keliling aku orang sakit2. Dari pagi ke petang. Ada yang aku pun kena selsema nih. Kat rumah, mak ngan ayah pun demam and selsema. Ya Allah... bagi ler kuat sket badan aku ni melawan penyakit.

Aku dah lama tak sakit nih... karang kalau kena, mau lama! Malam semalam dah mula perit2 hidung ni.... ari ni pun sama. Gi beli ubat kat farmasi tadi... harap2 ok la esok, sebab aku dah cancel kelas ari ni. Kalau esok pun kena cancel, parah aku.

Ni tengah mengular sambil check email. Bosan lak ari niiiii....

The bored Sailor.

Just Another Monday...

Time flies so fast, we hardly notice it goes by. I felt the 2 weeks walked past me so quickly. I was stagnant, the time breezed through my walkway. Sigh... The one month WC fever left an impact but didn't make a groove in my thoughts. I wanted SO much for France to win (since my favorite Brazillian team didn't make it), but they DID NOT! Ceh!!

I managed to get some things done on schedule today. Got my glasses frames fixed. I was kinda angry actually, I paid for the glasses for an unworthy value of workmanship. Taubat lillahhhh... mmg aku tak antar lagi laaaa buat cermin mata kat kedai tu. But for as long as I'm using those glasses which they crudely made for me, I will spook them with my presence and get 'em fixed should anything go wrong again. It has only been 2 weeks and the screws loosened up, and as for my Gucci frame, they tampered with the frame and the multi-coating for the lenses peeled off. In TWO weeks only? And it was only an in-house brand and they over-charged me. I felt CHEATED! I should've just ordered the lenses at the shop which I usually go to. Damn la... a pair of Hoya lense only cost RM350 these days and the shop charged me their in-house brand at RM300.

Geez... I forgot to lunch today. These hungry pangs are reverberating right now. Oh, how I long for the sup tulang at Brickfields. Yummy yummy. Nak ajak Beez gi makan kat sana lah...

Later sambung blogging.

An Outing With My Dear Kakak

It has been some time since I last met Kak Izan. She drove herself here...hehehe... finally, boleh pun dia drive sendiri ke mari. Tapi dari rumah aku ke destinasi, naik keta aku gak, aku gak yang drive. We went for a movie at GSC OU (my favorite window shopping spot). Tengok citer Scary Movies 4. Alahai... boleh tahan la tak bestnyaaaaa...tapi ticket dah beli, tonton je la.

Lunch was on her, movie tickets on her...Aduhai.. kalau keluar ngan akak aku sorang ni, dia manjakan aku lelebih lak. Tapi best gak, aku yang dah tua bangka ni dapat la buat seketika merasa cam budak2 sebab dimanjakan. Ahaksss... Well, how often do I get pampered kan? Selalunya aku yang pamper kawan2 yang aku anggap adik2 aku... kali ni kawan yang pangkat kakak pulak pamper aku. Yeahhh...! Best wooo...

Aku dragged Kak Izan ukur lantai One Utama tu dari new wing ke old wing balik ke new wing and back to old wing and finally last few steps at the new wing. Aku dah lama tak spend masa jalan2 seperti itu dengan kawan. Selalunya aku sorang. Okay gak tu, ada teman borak.

Catching up with each other's life encounters/ experiences... shared something of utmost secret with her and she understood. I think now she really understood.

Sometimes I feel that I haven't manifested my love towards her as a sister. I know she cares a lot for me. When her dad was still alive, he cared more about me than her but she never once showed a twinge of jealousy to me. She has always been a great sister to me.

Maafkan saya kalau akak rasa saya tak ambil berat and tak mengingati akak... tak mungkin itu berlaku... cuma masa dan pergolakan dalam diri ini yang menghalang saya dari berhubung dengan akak lebih kerap. Segala jasa baik, kasih sayang dari akak sekeluarga untuk saya takkan saya lupa hingga ke nafas terakhir. Ketahuilah kakak ku...

Andai ada perlakuan saya yang agak kasar terhadap akak atau kata-kata yang mengguris perasaan akak... maafkan saya.

Kalau ada masa nanti kita keluar lagi kak...saya akan bawa mak dan ayah mengunjungi akak dan makcik dalam masa terdekat ini. Insya'Allah....

Terima kasih untuk segala-gala yang telah akak lakukan untuk saya... untuk kasih sayang yang tidak pernah kurang nilainya dari dulu hingga kini, terima kasih atas pengorbanan akak.

Saya sayang Kak Izan...

Adikmu.

Omputih & Ketua Kampung

More about my cats... Left- Bino and on the right- Uteh. This is the only picture of Bino we had before he has kidnapped one afternoon....

Bino was the only cat we had with yellowish tone. Ala2 mat salleh la gitu... yang lain2 semua white/grey fur. yang sebelah si Bino tu Uteh... dia ni cam ketua kampung, kalau pagi2 lepas breakfast dia merayau ntah ke mana, tengahari baru balik, pastu kotor yang teramat, by petang lak dia bersih kembali.

My Favorite Male Cat

The whole family hated cats then. I hated cats when I was once scratched and wounded by a cat when I was a little girl. And everything changed since the arrival of NetNet. She was the first to book her place in the house. Ooopss... I'm supposed to talk about my favorite male cat, right? I'll feed you all with the stories of my cat in my later entries.

This is my favorite male cat. His name is Jose. This picture was taken when he was little. Probably about a couple of months' old.


And this, is when he had handsomely grown. A mature handsome male cat (castrated after one chance given to him though)

Well, he looks the same yeah, except for the size and his obvious 'male-ego'. Ahaksss!

He is my FAVORITE! He loves rasping at my feet, loves to be stroked (which cat doesn't like to be?), MANJA yang teramat amat.



There are10 cats in the household, in total. Well, the first cat (NetNet) was adopted by my 2nd brother and she finally became a responsibility of my mother after laziness swarmed over him. So are the rest of the generation... They became my 'siblings', mana taknya? Mak aku membahasakan diri dia 'mak' juga kat kucing2 tu. More to come in the next entry on the CATS.

On the day you turned 41

July 1st, 2006

It was his birthday. Even if I didn't write it in my organizer, it is something that has been implanted in my memory. I'll always remember the date. And this year, on this very day, he turned 41. A year past 40. Some say life begins at 40, some say once you reach 40, if you don't change, you'll never change. In my opinion, M hasn't changed. I worry for him actually, but I can't change him. I've got to make efforts to change myself for good, how could I change others? We can't help the one we love if he or she won't help him/herself.

Yes, I loved him. I did. Once. It was all a thing of the past. Each time he makes his way into my life the love that used to be there fades away. I'm not a stopover. And I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. The 3rd time he showed himself in the doorstep of my heart, he claimed that he still loved me. He needed me. He wanted me more that anyone else. What he did to me wasn't intentional. How could I ever believe his words when he kept tearing my heart apart everytime he went away silently? Now trying to win my heart again, thinking that everything would be just the same as it was before? When you broke one's heart, you can't unbreak the heart. You simply can't.... I remained hurt.

M... I loved you with all my heart but you broke my heart. You left me in agony... I waited for you patiently but somehow you didn't care. He was there for me, instead of you. He was there to lend me a shoulder to cry on. Was it my fault to fall for him, the one who cared for me when YOU were never there, you never showed me you cared for me...mere words aren't good enough, M. Words uttered without immense feeling are meaningless. Was it my fault to shift my inmost feeling to J? You left me with nothing to hold on to. I don't need promises as promises are meant to be broken. All I asked for was for you to manifest your love towards me in actions. Actions speak louder than words. You know what I mean. Little actions, not too troubling ones. You know I've never demanded the impossible from you and will never do so. Was I at fault? You know the answer. You know what you had done to this very sensitive feelings of mine.

You barged into my life as if you owned it. Were you being fair to me? You wanted us to rekindle our love and that's just not possible, M... I can't, for the love isn't there anymore. Remember what I told you when you came after me? Each time you asked me, "sayang I tak?" I said, "kita kawan...kalau jodoh kita kawin, kalau takde jodoh kita kawan" and it was totally my mistake responding with those words because my pure intention was to 'jaga hati' you. I hoped you understood, but somehow you took me word for word.

I'm too hurt...

I pray that one day you will come to your senses and realize that we're probably not meant to be in each other's company as lovers or as legally married. Although I know I shouldn't be saying that as if I knew what God has in place for us, but at least that is what I feel. And I think that is probably the best for both of us. "Just friends". I won't blame you if you can't accept that. Your actions towards me, your hurting words onto me showed you can't accept it. I've forgiven you for the pain you caused me.

I pray for your well being on this 41st year of your living breath. You marked a milestone in my life, and I will remember you as a friend. ONLY A FRIEND.

Otak Washing Machine

I can't sleep. Too much occupying my thoughts. Begitu banyak yang aku nak luahkan... tapi tak mampu sebab dah bertahun aku pendam segala2nya. Hati aku meronta2 nak share somethings dengan the people I love, but I simply can't...because some things are meant to be buried within ourselves and not shared with others. Kadang2 aku rasa nak jerit, but it's just not me nak menjerit2 ni. Kadang2 aku rasa nak nangis tapi kilang air mata aku ni dah kering kot? Atau tak nak bagi aku membazir air mata. Begitu banyak yang aku kandung dalam badan aku nih. BANYAK! Ada kala rasa macam nak give up jer ngan life, but then again, it's just not me nak give up, especially in life. Walau apa pun hidup perlu aku teruskan sehinggalah Penciptaku mahu degup jantung aku ini berhenti.

Mampukah aku teruskan hidup ini dengan segala macam dugaan yang didatangkan kepadaku? Hanya Dia yang tahu... kerana dia yang mencipta dan mewujudkan aku ini. Segalanya di luar pengetahuan aku, tapi kalau Dia yang memberi segala dugaan yang aku lalui ini, Dia tahu yang aku mampu melaluinya. Jadi, wahai aku, jangan la banyak bertanya. Laluilah apa sahaja yang mendatang.

Night Sailor.