Happy Birthday Ayah...

27 June 2006

I left off yesterday with a grumpy mood. Didn't stay up to watch the soccer games. I'd be freaking out with the lack of sleep and the kids would jolt towards my slump mood.

In the morning...

Had a good sleep, woke up fresh. Wished ayah a Happy 62nd Birthday and left for work.

Today will be the last day for Jia Wen and Jia Wei. I've started missing them, especially Jia Wen. If she were my own child, I'd be one happy mother, the happiest on earth!

Anyway, Ayah called me in the afternoon and told me to spare my evening for a family dinner and I confirmed. I guess it'll be Concorde KL again. I wonder if Bakhtiar will be joining us.

In the evening...

Well, as I thought, Concorde it is. I suggested Manhattan Fish Market but mak was not really in favor of the suggestion. That's just her actually, not inclined towards changes, towards new experiences, towards new things but that's just her. It is okay. I can live with that for as long as I think I can.

Bakhtiar made it in time to leave for KL (after much bising2 from mak-there's a story underlying). Today's dinner buffet was exotic, so everyone except adik went for it. Makan2, chit chat, 'bersandar kekenyangan' sebentar, and time to leave.

That is the normal birthday celebration/ get-together for ayah and mak and each of us will make it a point to make our presence.

Happy 62nd birthday Ayah... I love you very much. You had been my inspiration and my motivation to fight through this life and its difficult turns and stops. I will remember each lesson you taught me about life. No matter how much and how many times I wanted to give up, each time I think of you, my fighting spirit aflames. Thank you for everything you have done for me...thank you, thank you, thank you and million thank you's for other things even I couldn't even remember you had done for me. I will always love you.

Night Sailor

The Love of My Life

You...

I hate you but I miss you and I love you but I hate you and I long for you and
I miss every single thing about you

I love you when you manifest your love towards me
I love the way you soothe my sore mind
I love the way you smile at me
I love the way you touch me
I love the way you look into my eyes
I love the way you kiss me
I love the way you treat me when you show that you love me
I love almost everything about you

I hate you when you hurt me most
I hate you when you gave me that ignorance bliss
I hate it when you keep your distance away at the time I want to swim in the depth of your soul
I hate it when you want me to understand you but you won't let me
I hate you when you kept your silence
I hate you when you made me weep my sleepless nights


When you hurt me and I felt the pain to the core of my being,

I am damn ANGRY at you for hurting me
I am damn MAD at you for doing this to me
I loathe even the slightest thought of you
I hate even listening to your music
I detest the mention of your name on air


When I'm hurt by YOU and I'm in pain and I'm so lonely,

I miss your presence in the my emptiness of my heart
I dream of you in my disturbed sleepsI miss your warm embrace
I think of you when I'm resting
I think of you when I'm feeling the pain you caused
I think of you when I'm alone
I think of you in almost everything I do


My dear man,

Tell me what should I do...
Should I just bury you in time?
Should I be angry at you (shouldn't I be for the pain you caused?) ?
Should I, shouldn't I, could I, wouldn't I...?

I'm a perplexed woman...but bear this in mind, for I certainly can't deny and can't lie to myself...
that I LOVE YOU... Damn it, I DO... still do... still...and will ALWAYS do.

The Perplexed Me.

Why Can't I Write Again?

As I'm writing this, I'm watching one of my favorite movies, entitled 'Finding Forrester' starring Sean Connery. I could watch this movie for more than a dozen times. But there is a question in my head... if William Forrester, the character Connery acted as, was a real life character. I like the way 'William Forrester' wrote. His language use was brilliant. A part of what he said was when you want to write, you just start writing. First draft, you just a write with your heart...then you write with your head. Come to think about what he said, I don't know if that's really true. Maybe it is. When I looked back at my paperworks during the varsity days, I am surprised that I could actually WRITE! The flair was there... but unfortunately it's gone. I find great difficulty in writing nowadays. Why? Why can't I write no more? Why have I lost my touch?

Upset Me.

A short moment of happiness

23rd June, 2006

Atie and her entourage made their way to KL. Her brother is getting engaged. I went to fetch her at USJ to dine together. Gawsh, it was drizzling and traffic jam... I felt relieved that I drove adik's car instead of mine. An ease to my feet and to my emotion too.

As we reached Brickfields, I suddenly thought of him. I drove Atie and myself to his place first. Just wanted to see if he's around, because for the last few times I dropped by, he wasn't in and it was quite a frustration. Arrived at the foyer, I made my way upstairs, stopping by at the mail box to check if he's been there or not. The two letters I saw the day before weren't there... so he had probably been there. I paced up the stairs... and voila! It wasn't locked from outside.

I told him I have a friend waiting in the car... he asked me to call her to join us for a while. So I did. We chatted for about an hour and then Kulat came by. More chats and then I felt that it was time to go. I excused Atie and myself, he showed us to the door. As I walked a few steps ahead, the feeling of love for him swarmed over me. I walked back to the door... he was waiting for me actually... I kissed him on the cheek and finally left.

It was such a short moment...but a moment of total happiness, spiced up with pain.

Lagu rindu hatiku

Kala aku merindumu
Engkau tak tahu
Hati meruntun menginginimu
Hingga lenyap ditelan masa

Apa dalam hatiku
Hanya aku dan Dia yang tahu
Engkau mungkin tahu
Engkau mungkin tak tahu
Atau engkau buat tak tahu
Atau engkau tidak mahu tahu
Mungkin sengaja tidak ambil tahu

Bila engkau menyepi
Aku mendiamkan diri
Biarkan engkau dengan duniamu
Dengan kesibukanmu

Aku buat tidak tahu
Aku tidak mahu tahu
Aku rindu padamu
Itu yang aku tahu
Tetapi aku biarkan begitu
Kerana itu yang paling ku mampu

Engkau akan muncul juga nanti
Bila kau merinduiku
Sesungguhnya kau tahu
Aku cinta padamu
Aku rindu padamu
Dan tidak dapat kau dusta pada dirimu
Bahawa aku ada di dalam hatimu
Ada dalam mindamu
Walau tidak kau lafazkan
Walau tidak kau tunjukkan
Aku merasainya
Kau tahu...
Memang kau tahu...
Bahawa kau juga rasa begitu.

Aku biarkan saja
Kau ambil masamu
Ku lalui titian masa yang kau cipta
Kerana kita akan bertemu di titian itu.


Emosi ku di kala ini,

Nelayan Malam