A Painful Reminiscence

I attended a meeting at the homestay today. It used to be a short journey then... when each time I drive to my destination, he'd accompany me with short texts till I entered the no-coverage zone. It would be a mesmerizing moment driving home when each time I head out to the mobile coverage zone again, my cell phone would be reverberating with delayed texts from him... and I would be killing my boredom while driving by replying the texts. He'd be the first one I share with my positive thoughts of the outcome from each meeting I attended. I'd sometimes head straight to his office and bring him something to lunch on while I tell-tale on the meeting I attended. He'd listen although he hasn't much views to share with me on my things. I missed those moments....

Today, as I passed the road while driving, I craved for those moments again. I wish things were like it used to be when we were together... My heart wept as I drove home...


Sensitive meter in ON.

The New Me

It was painful... it was tearful... it was HELL. Yes, I was in HELL for some months. I've just found my way out of HELL and I want to be free as a bird and can do as I wish. YES, I'm on my way out. My crumbling heart is healing but scarring. The least I can be happy about is that the pain is diminishing and I am supposed to be able to move on with my life.

MOVE on, Sailor... sail your life in PEACE.


The Sailor.

A Surprise Visit

It was a Saturday. I suddenly felt like giving him a surprise visit. Parked my car next to his, in front of his office entrance. Adik called him, he didn't answer. I told her, sms him and tell him we're waiting for him downstairs or we climb up to meet him. He replied, saying he's not in the office. I knew my instinct was strong enough to know that he's there. On a milder tone, Adik sent him a text, saying that we knew he was there. After a while, he came down and sat next to me in the car. We talked peacefully. I didn't want to create a scene. I wanted to find out if I could face him without rage and grudge. We talked through the one hour docilely. I told him that I'm accepting his offer to be my best friend... and I hoped that he was sincere and honest. I told him to be the best of friend to me. It was rather a short meet. We shook hands, I couldn't find myself kissing his hand as I used to. I asked for a kiss but the kiss I meant was a peck on the lips, and that was what I gave him. He was probably expecting a mouthful kiss...I couldn't give one no more. I don't know if that was gonna be my last meet with him...

I wasn't sure of what I did on that Saturday... out of impulse I set up that meet. I must be out of my mind... but it's always me, one who acts upon impulse. But I meant well. Honestly I did.


Perplexed me.

Best Friends???

On March 5th, I received this on my YM from him:

"morning
i hope u getting well n better...
just wanna say how sory i am...
but wat was happen is for ur own good in life
i have to make ur hate me
as i told u its not bcoz other person termasuk nadira
all happen its bcoz of me only..
hope u understand
i hope we can become as best fren"

Disregard the grammar mistakes...Now let me ask you (as if you're standing right in front of me, heh!!) you've hurt me to the core and you expect us to be BEST FRIENDS? Who do you think you are to me right now? Pretending as if nothing had ever happened between us and wanting us to just carry on being the best of friends? You impounded my heart for a year and ditch it in the trash bin as if I am something you could just keep and discard as and when you like.

What you did unto me, I shall never forget till the last breath of my being... to forgive? Maybe, one day when I'm fully healed from this pain or when I've finally managed to thwart the thought of you in my head.

It is best for both of us to go our separate ways... how could I ever be your best friend when you've betrayed me, breached my trust and faith in you? How could I ever carry on pretending as if you had done nothing wrong? How could I walk straight and not feel the pain when i've bumped into the streetlight?

How could I talk, eat, sit, laugh with you when I'm actually crying with pain inside? How could I pretend?

I can't... I just can't... I'm sorry, your request is one I can't fulfill. Not at this very moment. Probably NOT EVER. I can't give the answer you want.

Enough is Enough

I've had enough of endlessly trying to dedicate myself to the ones I love and ensure that I do not hurt their feelings. I am going to be selfish this time. I will treat my own wound and will only learn not to hurt my own feelings. I vow to do so right now.

I do not want to be associated with anyone from my past ugly life experience.

Time to heal my own wound. Time to take care of my own feelings. Time to stand up for myself. Time to move forward without looking back at what had devastated me.

A Note for You

We go a long way... 2002. I can vividly remember how it started, how we called it off for a couple of years and how we reconciled. Damn it, you've taught me happiness, you've hurt me and tormented my emotions, you've "school'd" me, you've showered me with joy, you've bucketed me in sorrow, you've done just about everything to me and made me cried tears of pain and happiness through all the years. I've loved you much, I've hated you much, I've tried hating you but I can't lie to myself... I've always loved you. ALWAYS... no matter how far we've come apart now, how intimate we had became once. Despite all the pain you put me through, YOU are the one I love most. You are the only one I have come to accept that should "jodoh" not be there for us, we will still be friends...we will still share the ups and downs went through together.

I missed you so much Jen... I really do. You are still the one I love ALWAYS.

I'm hurt again by another man, Jen... but it's still you I am missing right now. It's still you I want now...

That Last Kiss...

31st December 2007 - The last day we ever kissed with immense feelings for each other... at least mine was filled with so much love for you. Yours was probably a fake to please me with which you hurt me deep and will never be forgotten and forgiven. The kiss in which are buried all your pretense, lies, deceptions... and meaningless kiss for you. THAT KISS... definitely the last one for us.

Shattered into pieces.

Apa itu cinta?

Apa benar cinta itu buta? Aku rasa mungkin iya. Aku jadi buta kerana cinta. Aku fikir cinta aku itu cinta yang sejati hingga ke akhir hayat setelah berkali2 gagal di pertengahan jalan. Aku fikir dengan cinta yang kuberi hidup lebih bermakna. Aku fikir dengan cinta yang kuberi aku dapat membahagiakan orang yang aku cintai dan diriku sendiri. Tapi semuanya tidak seperti yang aku sangka. Cinta itu menyakitkan aku. Cinta itu satu penipuan. Cinta itu menghancurkan sekujur tubuh ini. Aku seratus peratus memenuhi ruang hati ini dengan cinta yang aku ada...tapi cinta itu tidak dihargai... Cinta aku itu dipersia2kan... Ke mana hilangnya nilai cinta yang aku dedikasikan hanya untuk mu?

Apa erti cinta yang selama ini aku percaya amat murni dan indah bila dilalui bersama orang yang tercinta tapi jelas sekali amat melukakan aku di waktu ini?

Dapatkah aku percaya lagi pada kesucian cinta? Dapatkah lagi aku menerima cinta dari insan lain?

Pernah aku dipesan oleh mak aku sendiri... cintai diri sendiri sebelum mencintai orang lain. Aku rasa aku perlu belajar mencintai diri aku sendiri. Aku perlu mencintai diriku sendiri... Aku perlu letak Allah sebagai cintaku yang utama.

I need to redefine my definition of LOVE.

Sakit Kepala

Hari ni kepala aku sakit. SANGAT SAKIT. Aku paling benci kalau aku diasak dengan soalan2 yang aku tak boleh jawab. Lagi2 kalau aku ditanya oleh ayah aku sendiri. Aku tak boleh beritahu dia masalah sebenar aku. Aku berdolak dalik mengatakan itu ini adalah masalah aku. Yang lebih menyakitkan adalah bila aku nak beritahu yang sebenarnya tetapi aku tak boleh bercerita...TIDAK BOLEH. Ia adalah sangat2 menyakitkan.

Kepala aku sakit, jiwa aku sakit, satu badan aku sakit, segala-segalanya sakit.

SAKIT.