On the day you turned 41

July 1st, 2006

It was his birthday. Even if I didn't write it in my organizer, it is something that has been implanted in my memory. I'll always remember the date. And this year, on this very day, he turned 41. A year past 40. Some say life begins at 40, some say once you reach 40, if you don't change, you'll never change. In my opinion, M hasn't changed. I worry for him actually, but I can't change him. I've got to make efforts to change myself for good, how could I change others? We can't help the one we love if he or she won't help him/herself.

Yes, I loved him. I did. Once. It was all a thing of the past. Each time he makes his way into my life the love that used to be there fades away. I'm not a stopover. And I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. The 3rd time he showed himself in the doorstep of my heart, he claimed that he still loved me. He needed me. He wanted me more that anyone else. What he did to me wasn't intentional. How could I ever believe his words when he kept tearing my heart apart everytime he went away silently? Now trying to win my heart again, thinking that everything would be just the same as it was before? When you broke one's heart, you can't unbreak the heart. You simply can't.... I remained hurt.

M... I loved you with all my heart but you broke my heart. You left me in agony... I waited for you patiently but somehow you didn't care. He was there for me, instead of you. He was there to lend me a shoulder to cry on. Was it my fault to fall for him, the one who cared for me when YOU were never there, you never showed me you cared for me...mere words aren't good enough, M. Words uttered without immense feeling are meaningless. Was it my fault to shift my inmost feeling to J? You left me with nothing to hold on to. I don't need promises as promises are meant to be broken. All I asked for was for you to manifest your love towards me in actions. Actions speak louder than words. You know what I mean. Little actions, not too troubling ones. You know I've never demanded the impossible from you and will never do so. Was I at fault? You know the answer. You know what you had done to this very sensitive feelings of mine.

You barged into my life as if you owned it. Were you being fair to me? You wanted us to rekindle our love and that's just not possible, M... I can't, for the love isn't there anymore. Remember what I told you when you came after me? Each time you asked me, "sayang I tak?" I said, "kita kawan...kalau jodoh kita kawin, kalau takde jodoh kita kawan" and it was totally my mistake responding with those words because my pure intention was to 'jaga hati' you. I hoped you understood, but somehow you took me word for word.

I'm too hurt...

I pray that one day you will come to your senses and realize that we're probably not meant to be in each other's company as lovers or as legally married. Although I know I shouldn't be saying that as if I knew what God has in place for us, but at least that is what I feel. And I think that is probably the best for both of us. "Just friends". I won't blame you if you can't accept that. Your actions towards me, your hurting words onto me showed you can't accept it. I've forgiven you for the pain you caused me.

I pray for your well being on this 41st year of your living breath. You marked a milestone in my life, and I will remember you as a friend. ONLY A FRIEND.